Things That I Want When I Was Still The Same Person From Yesterday... Broken Person.
Sun doesn’t come out yet but I already could hear the singing of bird, somewhere, telling that sun will come out soon. I open my eyes, watching the dorm ceiling while body stuck on bed. My back bones were crack. Couldn’t move. So, I just watch the ceiling and listen.
Listen to sound of bird… listen to the sound of fan… strange vehicle outside the dorm building… sound of soft snoring from five roommate… the bird again.. It was beautiful and cheerful sound.. But then a couple minutes later, the bird sound suddenly changes from very happy become fear and pain… It sounds like they trying to give warning. Somethings bad is going to happen.
Meanwhile, I’m still on the bed. Thinking. Thinking how to finish my assignment. Thinking how to write the report. Thinking how to communicate. How to be positive? How to be good person? How to talk with people every time when I met them? How to make my day become good? Make my parent and lecturer proud of me? Make everyone who disbelief and hated me include the man that I love who turn against me open their jaw when they saw me become successful. How can I make my day become great? There were so many questions but….
No answer.
No answer unless if I asked this question to someone. Or perhaps maybe it will be useless since that person doesn’t understand or didn’t know how to response. So, I stared at the ceiling or perhaps the right wall behind me. The fan, the roommate, the closet, things that I’m unfamiliar with and everything around me.
It almost sunrise and I have to wake up, go prepare myself before go to the class. But first, I have to write..
I have to write the things that I’m dream about. Last night, I dream about him.
The man that I love. Who wear a mask, red cool jacket with short hair like 90s Japanese man, sitting on upper stair right in front me where I was at the below him? He doesn’t say anything. For many times, I met him again inside my dream, as I blaming myself for what I did to him. As I try to forget him or maybe I still beg him to stay with one thing that I always tried to avoid.
Knowing the truth that he does not love me.
As either a friend or lover. I’m just a regular person. Who doesn’t know how to dress like anybody else like he did or his friend did or anybody who love to dress up to become something they are not. It feels like Halloween but since Halloween was forbidden to celebrate, they only took one concept from it beside carve pumpkin, decorate house or spook the owner of the house to get the candy and chocolate.
However, I do love fall. Not the Halloween or not the dress. Fall. When the all the tree color change into red, orange and yellow. The analogous of bright color create vibe of warmth inside my heart. Other than that, I’m a fan of blue and grey hour. Loving to see rain and heavy fog covered the cities, town or forest.
Truth which people never know was…. I really want to be disappeared. Being a wanderer into wilderness. Into the forest, jungle, ruins, tomb, old castle or maybe abandoned places. Or if that places never existed in my places, perhaps I’m just wandering around the city that has a heaviest water drop, the mist in the early morning, with light from a far.
And before I go to sleep again, I was praying to my God. I whispered to my God how I miss him and sad that our friendship has to be ended. I tell God that I want something which could recover my heart.
I tell my God that how I much inspired to be a Tomb Raider like Lara Croft (the remake one) where exploring from Yamatai Island and end at the Paititi Jungle, ever since I love history and exploration. Have a curiosity to learn about the ancient ancestor. How much I love go to camping like Nagualero, my favorite camper artist who go camping alone and paint the nature. How beautiful his life and legend he is until by all sudden he passed away while I was somewhere who just barely know about him. Nagualero, I would never forget about how you teach me to explore the nature, and appreciate very single moment from it while visiting them. Both Lara Croft and Nagualero had teach me how to live and survived in wilderness. I tell my God that how much I wanted to learn my native language, English, Japanese and other language so I could barely understand and make other native people easy while visiting them. Then I tell to God how much I want to create my own art, stories of my novel, drafting my comic and create a good content for viewer so they could have a hope rather than just seeing other people life. How can I help them through creating a content? Oh, I asked a God again, how can I help them if I’m just a beginner artist, writer and even person who was naïve and weak. I wished I could those people and animal just like Hilda did with best friend twig. Oh, how much I miss Hilda and her story.
Then I asked God again if I ever could achieve this thing all by myself? I’m scared if the history repeat itself. But didn’t move any pieces in chess doesn’t learn anything about the end lesson.
So… I asked the God and pray to Him, God if you ever listen to my deepest heart, will you bring me to go out for adventure? Will you remove my pain that has been living inside my heart, a pain of losing the man that I love? Will you guide me every time I want to learn something? So, I won’t lost and be confident while using it or shared it with other’s? God, I must ask if I could become a good person again.. Because I make mistake with many people. I tried to help them but I couldn’t. I help them but left them with scar. I do wish I could be better person for tomorrow.
And God… help me find a partner, someone far away from me, a person who was different kind of me but have same interest like me – a curious man, an understanding man, a responsible man and most important a person who I could bring both during life and afterlife. I didn’t want things happen like my parents did, where they no longer being together even both of them were still alive.
God.. I’m so scared. I didn’t have anyone to be trusted and I’m sorry that I couldn’t come for you when you call me. I wished only you and I were together. I do wish to pray alone with you without alarmed the other. I just want to talked to you only. I’m sorry if I wasn’t there for you when the time you called me. I wished my bone at my back was strong enough to get up from the bed and clean myself before praying.
Even sometimes, when I having a bad day but still I’m so grateful that God always be there for me. How do I know? It simply when the bird start singing, when wind blow slowly behind me, when I receive a word and holding hand from the kindest or my heart suddenly become so much calmer or warmer than other time before, it means God here to listen every broken, sad, funny, scary and happiness story I ever had. The most powerful word that everyone even I must use it, “I’m so grateful for today…”
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